Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
