she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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