I'm lost and stupid without you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
