sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Still dying that you shit outside
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
