My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
