saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
