I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
