My underwear smells like fireworks.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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