I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
