don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Randomize
