Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
