i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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