I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
