I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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