apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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