i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
