Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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