I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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