I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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