Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize