I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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