I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
