If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
this just has baby written all over it
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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