just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
