oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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