You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
