I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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