I want to walk on stilts...naked
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
