I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
