she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
