i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
