Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
