My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
