I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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