paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
