it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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