peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
