Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
