So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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