You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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