omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
