I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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