Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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