remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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