i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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