The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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