I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
