the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
