so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
