Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
