my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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