I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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