My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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