JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize