I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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