I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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