Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize