remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
