We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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