Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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