Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
