I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
