Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
