Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
