You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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