totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
