I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
