anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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